Poetry in 5 – Rose’s Funeral

– Poem of a broken soul
After the one hundredth week I have left you
I have returned here
Looking for the evidence for our love
No one ever mentioned the Rose’s past
Yet the theme here today
– Will be memory
I know that love never made any sense
It was rebellious in the past
– When we were together
Now I am sitting here in regret
Secretly thinking of you
I saw the Rose’s funeral
It buried the memories of love
Hands were burning
Souls were trembling
Regretted that I cannot hold you
Recall the gorgeous rain in March
Now black rain cries at night
Do you remember when I said
‘I wanted to marry you’

I saw the Rose’s funeral
It buried the deep love I have gave you
I still have my rose in my palm
Holding until it bleeds
No one will ever notice
How the dead petal stopped her breath
And how she started her forever sleeping nights
A little drop of black rain to my soul
Will leave me awake until the dawn
May I use my last minute to remember you

I Feel No Pity for My Helplessness, Maybe a Time to Give Up?

“A beginning makes a good ending.” This phrase fantastically fits me. If I start great, my closing will be as well. It is almost impossible to recover mistakes in the middle of consequences. So, my conclusion is, fail then, just fail!! Even if you have regrets. I shall not have any pity for myself because it is my mistake and lack of caring that has led to an ending like this. So, why not just give myself a break?

I have been thinking about this every day. So I have to keep myself busy in order to not bother myself. Even though I told myself to retreat before, but the mistake will still be there. I shall face the truth, Annie, you have failed. You have failed to strive for this marking period.

“One cannot run after two horses at the same time.” I cannot concentrate on one thing while caring about the other. I knew the truth that I have done too many things this semester, so I cannot focus on my goal … wait, but what is my goal anyway? I don’t know. So if I did not even determine a goal, why am I blaming myself about not striving? I don’t know. Every day the first thing to say when I wake up was “Mom, I don’t want to study anymore.” Or, “Mom, I want to be absent for school, I want to quit it.” Or, “Mom, I can’t handle school… It’s killing me.” But why is it killing me? If I had completed all the work on time, I would be fine. I mean, I know that I am not a bad student. If I strive, I can be an “A” student whenever I want. But why can’t I just maintain a good attitude from the beginning to the end? I can’t do it.
Maybe – I am just saying, I shall give up everything I have now, and restart during the next semester? That seems like a good idea. But what if I start off bad next time? – Yeah, just fail again.

An Awkward Conversation

Not to be awkward on purpose, but I experienced a really different conversation yesterday. And I have to express my opinions on it.

A guy from the Chinese Track was chatting with me. He started a conversation about immature people in the school playing around with mature feelings like ‘love’. He stated that it was inevitable to have these types of feelings during this period of our lives. But people have a casual attitude toward something important like ‘love.’ Some people even admitted that if you share some interest with another person while with that particular person, they concluded that would make you that person’s boyfriend or girlfriend. The logic doesn’t even make sense, and I would even say this is stupid.

I made a joke saying, if I use this standard to measure my own relationships, then I would be bisexual because I have both female and male friends who share interests with me. Then, he suddenly became serious and told me he was kind bisexual (note: since he likes a girl now, in present).

I was totally shocked: bisexual? Was he saying he has feelings toward other guys? So, I asked him if he was sure . He told me that, a long time ago, he used to blush while talking with the other guy. Then he elaborated by sharing that he could tell because he would have a strong heartbeat and felt nervous spending time with a particular guy. This was the first time I have ever heard a guy describing his situation and feelings toward…homosexuality.

However, I am not homosexual and I could not understand his feelings, but I chose to tell him something I really considered about the environment effecting inner thoughts. I told him the reasons that people thought homosexual/bisexual was awkward was because other people judged, rejected, or even discriminated against homosexuals. No one has rights to judge the other since they have never experienced what that person is experiencing; we shouldn’t judge anything from a personal point of view (if so, we do not have to share it). He agreed with me, and told me how he felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. He was actually afraid of these feelings. But to speak the truth? He was afraid of social judgment. Seriously, I am not holding a biased view, but why should people judge anything they have never understood?

I did not give my evaluations from my own perspective toward homosexuality, but what I really considered about the world. The majority’s judgment always dominates the minority’s. Consequently, many people believed in what they have never experienced because most people believed it to be so. I conclude that personal and inexperienced judgments are meaningless and hurtful to other people’s decisions.

[Introduction]Four Colors Personality Analyses

There are four main personalities types which are represented by colors: red, blue, yellow and green.

Red is usually a very active person with light personality. Red can make friends with anyone, when red have a conflict with other friends, red will be the one who forgives and begs for forgiveness. They do not want to lose a friend because of loneliness. Red will express his (or her) personality easily through action. However, red is also very sensitive. When he (her) words is spoken without going through simple concepts of mind, others might be angry because it’s hurtful or too immediate. Red will turn very sensitive through other’s judgment of oneself. Red, is an overall extrovert, considered sanguine.

Blue, is defined as modest, mature, calm, and thoughtful. Blue usually as an intimate personality, who take things very seriously. They follow the rules and normally become the role model of the rest. They will remember all of their promises, and cherish them. Normally, blue will only want one bosom friend than staying in a big group. However, sometimes, because of the thoughtfulness of blue, he (she) will turn out to be very cranky without knowing any truth. Occasionally, because blue take things too seriously, they will misunderstand one’s joke, it might break through the relationship. Blue always try the best of oneself to work out one thing to be perfect. As they work too much on that, they turn out to be busy and miserable. Blue is an introvert, considered melancholy.

Yellow, always has a goal for life. They are ambitious and want to be successful. No matter what, they to be in the center of attention and group – not to be popular – but powerful. Yellow will never be contented of things he (she) received, because they will decide the next goal to improve oneself. They are also very confident, and like to strive for things he (she) doesn’t has. Or, I can over state, he’s goal as like is to become god of mankind. They will never think they are wrong (even though they are, they don’t want to fell shame), and will debate over until they will finally admit it. Yellow is an extrovert, considered choleric.

Finally, green. I will refer green to the down-play of the mankind. When they followed all the rules, it’s not because of anything, but wants peace. They are soft and gentle, sometimes, they do not even set goal for life. They will do everything accordingly of what’s happening. Normally, green is not a selfish character. It’s not because of anything, it’s just lazy. They don’t normally share their thoughts, and it’s because of laziness. They are also very fearful of any important events. Even though they want to feel important, but they are lazy. If any big event happened to them, the first thing they do is escape. They do not want to be tired for life. Green is an introvert, considered as phlegmatic.

Irresponsible? What????

Irresponsible? What??

I am in the student council this school year. I was elected as one of the leaders, and was responsible of meetings, agendas, and all the decisions. I did not set-up a role model today because I was  ‘too busy.’ And so what? Everyone makes mistakes.

We should take turns to check the classroom behaviors, however, I forgot to take the checklist, and no one told me it was my turn (this is my fault though). William and Samuel was in a group with me, they forgot either. They came to me today and asked, ‘Why don’t you remind us it’s our turn to check?’

Wait, just because I am the leader, I got to remember all the agendas? It’s my fault that while you are in the same group, you forgot either?? That’s where cooperation takes place; we should’ve reminded each other. Now, we were blaming each other. We started checking in the afternoon time. Since it was eye-exercise, I was not in charge. At the end of the day, William came to me and said, ‘You didn’t do anything! Now, you should go down and put the records of scores on the board. You got the order wrong, by the way.’

I made a remark, if the order was wrong, how could I record the scores?

‘Since you didn’t do anything, just make sure the order is correct.’

I was so exasperated, but why should I do it? Since William has only written about eight numbers on the checklist, that meant he has done something?

‘I have honors IT, you have more time, and you can go do it.’ He told me.

‘Well, I have honors composition!!!’ I was angered, and frustrated.

‘But honors IT is more important! You have more free time!’ he, then, looked at me with disgust.

So, it’s my fault now? It my fault!!?? Wait, but I realized I was the leader, shouldn’t leaders make decisions? Now I am obeying to a treasury? In what manner, shall he say those words to me? ‘Fine.’ I said to myself, it’s my fault okay? It’s my fault! I don’t have any reason to say ‘I can’t do it’, I should set up a model to be responsible. It’s so unjust. Being a leader, we have to use more responsibilities to pay back the mistakes? What about the related members? They all blame on other people? How will the teachers think about me? And other people? It’s too unjust.

Death Note

Death Note is not one of the newest anime series. In fact, it is rather old.

Death Note is about a high school student, Light Yagami, who is bored with his studies; he is an ‘A’ student. One day, he was looking outside the window and saw a notebook that read “Death Note;” the notebook fell from the sky. On his way home, he observed that the notebook was still on the playground. He knelt down and examined it a little more closely. He laughed and thought people were playing a joke on him, so he ignored it.

Later, he noticed that  the notebook was place inside his backpack, but he didn’t know who placed it there.Well, he decided to  take it home and see what would happen. He turned on the television and heard the news reporting “The Most Wanted” criminal. He wrote the criminal’s name in the notebook, and,after 40 seconds, the criminal died of a heart attack. Light Yagami was shocked by the power of the death notebook. Because of this absolute power, he wanted to be a god among humans; that is, control of people’s life. A detective, L, realized something strange was going on. L investigates yet he never shows his appearance to others.

People call Light Yagami a “mysterious killer.” The story continues to be “L verses the Killer.” Yagami was too smart and thought of strategies that won’t make people suspicious of him. He began killing members of the FBI, as well as several criminals in Japan.

I think this anime is really interesting because it talks about absolute power corrupting absolutely. At first, he just wants to kill all the criminals and create a peaceful word. But later, he has to kill the FBI and police for his own safety.

One thing that I feel impressive about it that, he can still keep us good test grades while killing people.

Poetry in 5

I watch you down the night
Under the eclipse of the moon
The black rose you held
The spikes pushed through your tips of your hand
Wind blew like crying
With black pain and sorrow
The brown twilight reflected through your pupils
As you turned around
All you saw was me, was me

Your eyes enlarged
Rose petal was wrinkled, yet you threw them to the air
In the starry, starry night
With all your pokers
Place with spades to start
Everything was for me, for me

I always stayed behind
Without your notice
Then I turned around,
You stayed behind
Without my notice

The magician, the mysterious magician
How will I ever see, your true identity
when you give your love to me?

Shame

Today, I have finally experienced what ‘shame’ feels like. The new girl who just came this semester has asked me to participate with her during the Christmas Talent show. I agreed because it’s dancing. I got really excited and started finding dances on the internet that we could learn from. Finally, I found the dance that was really popular for teens – Bad Apple. I eagerly found tutorials from the internet and anything that’s available for the dance practice. I hoped I would perform well.

Yesterday, I gave her the tutorial for part 1 of the dance; we have to practice individually at home so we can bring the dance together. I did not take much of a look at the dance because I thought she was not going to practice anyway. I just looked through the moves without practicing with the music.

Later in the day, I called her for practice. I was astonished as I saw her dancing with the beat. However, I didn’t practice, I just remembered the moves. I didn’t even know when I should change my move when the beat was changing. She could do fairly well with two, or three practices. I felt shameful to show my dance (it’s just because of the beat’s problem). I didn’t want to practice in front of her because I prefer more personal time (so when I make mistakes, I will see it myself BEFORE anybody reminds me).

I felt my face flushing red, and couldn’t raise my head to meet her eyes. But she was still, dancing pretty well (without any arrogance). I felt like my perspective of her had completely changed, and she was pretty okay. I decided to practice at my best during the weekend (as much as I could).

Later on Friday, as I arrived home, I turned on my computer and plugged in a nice speaker. I watch the tutorial and learned really fast. I realized why she danced so well, because the moves were easy. I started learning new moves, but they were hard. To ensure my dance was okay, I danced in front of the huge mirror in my parent’s bedroom. I felt okay… in fact, kind of proud of myself. My shame finally disappeared into confidence.

The next week, I asked her to what point in the dance had she learned. She told me that she had only learned one section. I was shocked that she hasn’t learned any of the difficult moves. At lunch time, we stayed in the classroom and danced. For the first part I was a little ashamed. But, as I danced,  I danced with confidence. That only increased when I danced the parts she hadn’t learned. I didn’t feel anymore shame.

However, my other friends said I did not have a ‘feel of beat’ as much as she does. I was kind of frustrated. I practiced so much, and this is what I get?

As I arrived home and I thought of a new way of practicing with music. I used my high quality sound effect ear phones and plugged them into my phone. I got to ‘feel’ and ‘get in the music’ when there was nothing in my mind but sounds and moves.

Today we practiced again. My other friend told me my dance improved. But she added something that was unexpected. She said, “Don’t worry about how she dances. You are turning this into a competition…but it’s not! You have to relax.”

I finally understood where this shame came from: I cared so much about being outstanding, but forgot about my real goal – entertainment.